The concept of ego is tossed around quite a bit these days and deserves a bit of exploration. Many current day philosophers and authors present ego as a bad element, being something that interferes with goodness.

These modern day thinkers therefore conclude that the ideal state is one defined by the absence of ego. Ego is often related to self-centeredness and selfishness, both of which also have negative connotations. These states of being are not one in the same and should not be confused.

In order to have a shared exploration, let’s look at how and why one’s ego develops. To gain a good understanding, it will be helpful to return to the day our birth, for that is the beginning of our development in this earthly existence. It will serve us well to reacquaint ourselves with the early years of our journey.

I have previously referenced what happens from day one, the moment we emerge from the womb. We come into this world as clean, little slates, so to speak. Our existence is one without choice about what we see, hear, smell, touch or taste. Without a sophisticated way to communicate, our lives are controlled by our caretakers. In most cases, our parents assume this role.

The extent of our capacity is to respond or react to that which we are exposed. And those reactions are greeted with approval, discouragement, or in some cases, are completely ignored.

It’s important to remember that as we grow in those first years of life, behavioral scientists have calculated that 80 percent of what we experience is negative. There are a lot of “nos,” “don’ts” and “don’ts” with consequences.

We repeatedly hear statements that discourage too much curiosity, exploration and ventures beyond easily monitored and safe surroundings as determined by our parents.

Think about having your thoughts, ideas and sense of fun met with constant road blocks. It continues to happen in adulthood, both among family and friends, as well as at work. New ideas and new paths are most often met with skepticism and comments about all the things that could go wrong.

A natural reaction to such nay saying would be defensiveness. If you believe in your idea or plan, it would seem automatic to make a case for its soundness. Enter in ego, the believer of Self.

Ego begins a transformation into a defensive mechanism to overcome all the negativity we are inundated with in our everyday existence. It begins to serve as a protector of Self. And considering the amount of negativity, it is easy to see how the ego can become overdeveloped.

In the repeated act of countering negativity, an environment of competition and score-keeping is grown. There is an overemphasis and necessity for right vs. wrong, and an either/or perspective. A spirit of one-upmanship manifests, creating a circular pattern, or ongoing domino effect of disapproval and discouragement sparking a defensive posture.

It’s a rather uninviting and miserable scenario. Thus our philosophers make their case for throwing out ego all together without discerning at what level ego is bad. This in turn instills guilt, contributes to the world of negativity, and in essence, becomes part of developing the ego to an extreme.

Perhaps we can easily acknowledge and agree that an overextended ego is not good. That, however, does not translate into the extinction of ego being the pathway to universal nirvana. Swinging the pendulum from one extreme to the next does not get us to an ideal state, but rather a new version of extension, which in this case is an under extension.

In all things, balance is the ideal state. Life is about balance. When everything about our existence is in a state of equilibrium, we are at peace, happy and productive. That includes our ego. It is the balancing of our individual well-being and existence with that of others. There is no need for proving rightness,

Behavior resulting from an attempt to rid oneself of ego often appears as martyrdom, self-sacrifice, a holier-than-thou savior or just the opposite, no self-esteem. At the root of all of these behaviors is little or no self-worth. One no longer values or loves Self.

Equalizing your ego makes you just as important, not more or less, as everyone else. Everyone is of equal value. There is appreciation for one and all, as the connectivity and viral impact between all is clearly seen.

This allows one to take in others’ differing, even negative, perspectives, extract what value they offer and then move on. It’s movement forward not in spite of, but despite others’ thoughts. It allows one to be true to oneself.

Let me end with some words of wisdom from others. They just might help you put your ego in perspective.

“The minute you begin to do what you really want to do, it’s really a different kind of life.” – Buckminster Fuller

“It is up to you to illuminate the world.” – Phillippe Venier

“We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us. – Edward Lewis

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop habits and attitudes for ongoing success and happiness.

I’ve been on vacation, seeking a different level of balance and some veg time. I read a couple of mysteries, explored some of Canada’s Eastern Townships, and then lessened the activity to increase the quiet and still time.

Filling up days with places and events is often considered a great vacation. And great it is if not for beginning and ending with exhaustion. Its restorative score could be low, as most often vacations are expected to provide a break from schedules and their pressures as experienced in daily routines. A change in place, without pace, doesn’t always leave the residual effect anticipated with a vacation.

And while a change in pace, and not place, may serve up most of the benefits sought, vacations, we should note, are personal, and preferences as such will vary. The key is balance, something we all need and seem to believe is more achievable while on vacation.

Balance can be as elusive as the universal sought after happiness. And there’s a reason: they are intertwined with our state of mind. So while a change in pace or place seem appropriate for creating balance, neither provide a guarantee for a great vacation.

When I think of vacation I’m reminded of the carefree, imaginative and fun-filled days of childhood summers. Playing was the balance I needed then, and now. From creating our Indian village to spending hours throughout the day and evening at the local pool, to climbing a rock face of one of the bluffs overlooking the Mississippi, I was free to explore, create and experience. Our play was simply accepted, with few boundaries. And the appropriate level of silliness was always balanced with equal seriousness.

Self-expression flowed, and laughter came easy and often as we were loving life. With our laughter, we were releasing plenty of those healthy endorphins, which by the way are 10 times more powerful than the pain-relieving drug morphine. And no doubt we were increasing our little hearts’ rate, as in addition to the physical activity, our endless laughter gave it a boost. FYI, just a few minutes of laughter can double your heart rate, according to Dr. William Fry, Jr.

I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: As children we laughed on average 400 times a day; by age 35 we’ve reduced that to 15. So creating a more healthy balance truly does require a bit more play and laughter, in both the mental and physical sense.

For me, there’s nothing more fun than wandering and pondering. Wandering to see and experience new things, like dark chocolate enrobed blueberries we purchased at the Saint-Benoit-du-Lac Abbey. A burst of fresh berry flavor surprised us, because it was truly fresh and truly a burst.

As for pondering, time is given to those things that just don’t make their way into my brainscape during the normal course of a week. Topic matters not because vacation offers a chance to twirl anything and everything around and peer at them from different perspectives. My mental escapades are free to involve matters of the farfetched and otherwise inconceivable.

Play, mental and physical, has been recognized as a key ingredient of well being and happiness for centuries. Aristotle and Plato spoke of such beliefs. On through history, these beliefs have gained merit through the studies of the brain pertaining to the development and education of children, problem solving, creativity, relationships at home and work, as well as team performances.

According to one study, Schaeffer 1993, play is as important to human happiness and well-being as love and work. By nature we are born to play. It’s a source of energy and excitement, stimulating our bodies and brains. At the same time it provides for calmness, relaxation and improved sleep. Vacations that incorporate play are downright therapeutic.

It has been said that you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. I suspect the same is true in exploration of our selves. I’ve not happened upon too many down sides to play, other than the occasional skinned knee.

So with a hop and a skip, unleash yourself. Get in the spirit, stay in the spirit, be the spirit needed to jump into a fun-filled vacation. Giggle and laugh as if you’ve never grown up. Let vacation be like skinny dipping, where without hesitation you leap in. No clothes, no second thoughts are necessary as you understand life is not a dress rehearsal. Allow yourself to recapture the carefree feelings and well-being of childhood.

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success and happiness.

During a recent visit to Quebec City, we went to the exposition on the Titanic. It was an incredible walk back in time. From the stories of the ship’s creators to those of its passengers, one couldn’t help but be moved by the excitement and grandeur of this maiden voyage and its tragic ending.

It led me to wonder about all the decisions that resulted in this ship, believed to be unsinkable, being broken in two and taking a dive for the ocean floor, leaving the 2,000 some passengers in its wake. And I realized that those decisions were made much like decisions made all the time, every day.

In the case of the Titanic, the focus was entirely on the gains this magnificent ship could achieve for the Star Line Company. Whether we focus on potential gains or losses determines how we deal with risk.

For example, if a doctor tells a patient they are going to die, they will take greater risks with treatments. They feel they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. On the other hand, if the doctor tells the patient they have a certain number of days to live, they are more risk averse. They frame their decisions around the days of life they could lose.

Oddly, the primary factor in decisions concerning the design and operation of this new ship was the perceived absence of even the usual risks. Standard practices, warnings and common sense were ignored.

In 1912, the Titanic was the world’s largest, fastest, safest and most luxurious ship, and the maiden voyage was meant to prove it. Confidence was in abundance as the design included 16 water-tight compartments, leading to the belief that the ship was unsinkable. Star Line management would not conceive of a situation where so many of the compartments would be flooded as to cause the sinking of its newest ship.

The high degree of confidence in the Titanic led to many out-of-the-norm behaviors. The designer was overruled on two critical matters. One, the water-tight compartments should have extended all the way up through the ship. However, that would have eliminated some living space.

The same type of rationale was used when it came to not including enough lifeboats for all the passengers. The decks, it was decided, would be too cluttered. These matters rested on one key factor: how conducive were they to the vision of making Star Line the leader in luxury experience and accommodations.

In addition, the lookouts stationed in the crows nest were without binoculars. In the hustle and bustle visual aids were forgotten or misplaced. No one seemed too concerned.

Ice warnings from three other ships were ignored. This is a hard one to understand. It was as if, like with youth, there was this sense of being invincible. The Titanic steamed ahead at full speed with the intent to surprise and impress with an early arrival in New York.

Without binoculars, the iceberg was sighted without much time to respond. And despite the quick reaction, the ship was clipping along at such a fast pace that it was almost impossible to safely clear the iceberg. Though the Titanic was saved from a head on collision, skimming within inches of the icy structure, below the surface the berg’s protrusions sliced into its side.

It seems all the world bought into the belief that the Titanic was this unsinkable wonder. For even the captain of the Californian, a ship just ahead of the Titanic that had sent the last iceberg warning, ignored the distress flares sent up. He figured Titanic was enjoying a bit of celebration.

More astounding was the unfailing belief of a passenger as she watched the ship on its descent from a lifeboat. “The first wish on the part of all was to stay near the Titanic. We all felt safer near the ship. Surely such a vessel could not sink,” recalled 40-year-old Elizabeth Shutes.

Like in the launching of the Shuttle Challenger, facts and experts were ignored. Appropriate questions were not asked and important input was simply dismissed. The decision-makers were so determined, it was as if they thought they could will success. Instead, they met with disaster.

It happens every day in business boardrooms and on manufacturing floors. Politics, influencing skills, position and intimidation get in the way of good decisions. Framing around gains or losses plays with our perceptions, and in some cases blinds us to balanced decision-making. Perhaps the error of our ways goes unnoticed; the consequences are not always as visible, nor as painful as our historic tragedies. Costly, nonetheless, they are.

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success.

You can often hear the assumptions being made if you listen for them in a conversation. Sometimes it’s a comment that will give it away, other times it is the lack of one. Either way, assumptions tell about the people making them.

These conclusions, made in the absence of knowledge, might be made at the conscious level, but frequently are driven by some kind of subconscious belief and can involve being judgmental. This does not imply, however, that there is any ill intent.

When facilitating communication sessions on this topic, I often start off by tripping into the room. A little later, I’ll ask participants if they checked to see what I tripped on or just assumed that I was a klutz. Klutz it is.

We all make assumptions, but we may not always be aware of it, or why we do so. A great illustration of this is the last jury scene from “Twelve Angry Men,” a 1957 movie starring Henry Fonda.

By the last scene there are three guilty votes, down from 11 jurors believing a boy stabbed his father to death. It is 6:15 in the evening and some want to declare a hung jury. Tempers are all too evident. They decide to go through the evidence one more time.

The last holdout switches his vote after a photo of he and his son falls out of his wallet. He loses it, saying something about rotten kids. He, along with all the other jurors, now understands the bias that was driving his perspective.

You’ve probably run into such prejudices. I have. I’m not a car person, but there is one car that I’ve always liked, an Audi TT. I have one. It’s a 2001, silver with the classic lines that are lost on today’s models. It’s a fun car to drive and gets about 33 miles to the gallon. Oh, and I bought it used, as part of my recycling philosophy.

Friends or not, the typical assumption is that I am rich and this is an expensive car. Well, it was cheaper than the used Subaru Outback that I used to drive when I had kids to chauffer. And it was cheaper than most of the cars these assumers buy.

My husband works with some engineers who had a similar experience. They bought an old, inexpensive Jaguar. After losing too many jobs to assumptions that they would be too expensive or were making too much money, they got rid of it.

Now, I don’t think there is anything wrong with buying a new, expensive car. I don’t assume that people who do are greedy, uncaring or self-centered. But sadly, I’ve heard such assumptions.

Sometimes people just can’t help themselves. As was the case with one friend, who, after I quit my job commented, “You must of gotten one heck of a package.” I realized quitting such a job just wasn’t in his realm of possibility.

Another friend said I was able to quit because I had a husband to support me. I kindly told her it wasn’t the first time I had quit a high paying job. The first time I was a single mother with two children still at home.

Remember our subconscious often plays a part in assumptions, while we remain unaware. You can test this for yourself, if you’d like. I’d suggest you try Race Implicit Association Test or IAT at www.implicit.harvard.edu. It measures your subconscious attitudes toward blacks and whites.

Know that you probably have conscious attitudes that will differ from, contradict even, those that show up on the IAT test. Most do. Harvard’s Mahzarin Banaji says if you’ve lived in North America long, you’ve been inundated with images and information that link whites with good things, and will accordingly create a subconscious bias.

You know, you can’t go wrong with making one assumption. I’ll bet you know what it is.

True leadership isn’t about leading others, but rather yourself as you interact with the world.  In business, that would mean everyone in the organization is a leader, with all the responsibility and say that comes with such a position.

 I can imagine for some that sounds like a great formula for chaos and a clashing of egos. It might also be viewed as counterproductive, causing conflict and confusion.

Let’s play this out a bit further. The expectation would be for every employee to ask questions, challenge and debate everything. The new comfort zone would be the unknown. Being different in thought and action would be the company norm, and problems would naturally become assets.

Can’t quite see it resulting in business nirvana?  There’s real world evidence that this type of operation not only works, but outperforms the traditional, hierarchical organization. I’m not talking about an exception, for there are many examples. Intel and Google will attest to such successes, for they have cashed in on them, both by investing and reaping the subsequent rewards.

You need only check NASDAQ for Israeli companies, for they outnumber those from all of Europe, Japan, China, India, Korea and Singapore combined. Israel has become the No. 1 country for start-up ventures. That’s a lot of chutzpah for such a young, small and war-entrenched country.

Got your attention?  Start Up Nation, a book by Dan Senor and Saul Singer had mine as they described how this country’s culture of adversity spawns global successes. 

Through the many stories the authors make it clear that from birth, Israelis are taught a mindset that allows for nothing to get in their way. It is an attitude befitting great leaders.

            Right out of high school everyone goes into the military, one where soldiers can oust their leaders for poor performance… and one where life and death situations require quick decisions and total responsibility. Hierarchy becomes irrelevant when survival is a way of life.

            Israel was able to attract Bill Gates and Warren Buffet into the war zone of  their homeland because the same winning mindset and cultural candor prevails in business as does on the battlefield. But then business takes place on the battlefield.

            During the Gulf War in 1991, Intel Israel continued work despite the government order to shut down all schools and businesses.  Employees donned their gas masks and demonstrated their determination.

 In 2006, just a couple of months after Buffet bought the company, Iscar, more than 4,000 missiles landed in northern Israel. His Israeli chairman assured him that while the sole concern was for employee safety, all customers would receive their orders on time. And despite many employees relocating to the south, the chairman kept his word.

            Life in Israel has demanded a no B.S. manner of interaction, adaptability, persistence, collaboration and creativity. When 98- degree salt water was the result of drilling for drinking water, they created pools and began to raise warm-water fish like sea bass. After use in the fishponds, the water and the waste byproducts made great fertilizer for the olive and date trees. Once a land of deserts, referred to as a barren wasteland, Israel now grows 240 million trees. 

Seems nothing is impossible for them. They are a nation of individual leaders who team up to conquer any and all challenges. They find no need for water cooler talk, frankness serves them well. Trust develops naturally.  Problems and differences are reasons to get creative and adaptability makes way for easy navigation of the unfamiliar. Responsibility is an expectation of everyone. Risk and mistakes are redefined, eliminating reason for hesitation.

So if it can work in the small nation of Israel, where killer obstacles seem to be in abundance, who can argue that it wouldn’t work for corporate America? In terms of team building, it would require storming to go beyond one stage of development and become an ongoing norm.  That can be tough on CEO egos and wreak havoc with their comfort zones. But imagine what it could do for the bottom line.

I’ve just scratched the surface on what this book can teach us. It is well worth the time to read it and the opportunity to challenge your own thinking. At the very least, you’ll find the illustrative stories inspiring.

            Balancing business with having a fulfilling life, for most, coincides with the ever present goal for happiness. And while some may claim to be content, that is not the same as happy.

Success in business or career minus holistic fulfillment is what I call life failure.  I mention this because while I was trying a bit of balance myself, I happened upon some tips for making the life journey more joyful, and successful.

I took a break to read for awhile Saturday.  My husband was playing his guitar and singing one of my favorite songs, Sounds of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. I paused to listen – People talking without speaking; People hearing without listening – and in so doing realized that it fit perfectly within the context of what I was reading.

            On the surface, no connections were evident.  I was perusing the 10^th anniversary edition of Oprah’s “O” magazine and also spent some time with a pamphlet entitled Teaching Children Compassionately by Marshall B. Rosenberg.  Then magically the synapses of my subconscious began connecting and the common themes emerged.           

Oprah’s magazine is filled with insights, inspirations and wisdom from people who had an impact for her in the last decade. Rosenberg’s work is about non-judgmental communication, and how it makes way for awe-inspiring learning and living.

            Their shared themes, eloquently stated by Rosenberg and powerfully demonstrated by Oprah, are: learning is best fueled by a reverence for life, all life; and continually be conscious of the beauty within yourself and others.

            This may seem a bit far afield and soft for some, but who can argue with Oprah’s success. So let’s explore these themes as they pertain to Oprah and her business empire. I’ll revisit Rosenberg’s work at a later time.

            The essence of these themes involves organic connection… with life, with self and with others. It is what Oprah banks on every month when almost 2 million women buy her magazine, 37 percent of whom also have observed the men in their lives leafing through it.  Isn’t that what we all want…   business and personal relationships that grow on what is true and real? 

            Oprah’s organic connections go beyond good marketing. They are personal, genuine and deep. She puts herself out there on the cover, big as life, month after month.  Always a glamour shot, she radiates all that is the good life and success. Inside she sheds the glitz and opens her heart and mind as if a best friend.

            The issue about her ongoing weight loss struggles attracted the most response from readers and the media.  She was so transparent, it was impossible to not relate to her. (Hopefully all have figured out that weight loss is often about an imbalance in life or other issues, and not just about diet and exercise.)  Oprah ventures to where we all live, ever exploring the path to what she calls “the best life.”

            She stands front and center as proof that success is not the be-all of life, but only a piece of the journey. Every month “O” magazine speaks to a reverence for life, ongoing learning and an appreciation of the beauty in all us.

In celebration of  “O’s” anniversary and life itself,  here’s a few tidbits shared by a couple of the magazine’s popular columnists.

Martha Beck shares that sometimes it useful to unlearn some lessons, such as:  Working hard leads to success; Success is the opposite of failure; Problems are bad; and, We should think rationally about our decisions.

          Wisdom from Dr. Oz included: Change is possible, but only if you believe it; We regret the actions we don’t take more than the ones we do; and It’s not about living longer, it’s about living better.

            There’s plenty of explanation and more tidbits to be found in the magazine.  If you are so inclined, check it out.  Either way, join the celebration by nurturing an organic relationship, at work or home.  And enjoy the difference.

            After reveling in an absolutely breath-taking Easter Sunday, I spent Monday immersed in appreciation and positive wonderment. In business speak, that translates to participating in an appreciative inquiry approach to strategic planning with the Vermont Peace Academy.  Our guides were members of the Woodbury Institute of Champlain College’s masters program in Mediation and Applied Conflict Studies.

            Problems and negativity were banished, creating space for sharing stories about “the best” in practices and outcomes. Happy memories, feelings of satisfaction and a true sense of fulfillment permeated the gathering as the realization of having made a positive difference was confirmed story after story.

            As is the intent with appreciative inquiry, energy grew and possibilities emerged. The result, as some might suspect, was not an endless meandering among options, but a fairly quick and unanimous decision on direction. You couldn’t have asked for greater clarity.

            And this was just step one.  Yet to come are the Dreaming of what could be with this chosen direction, Designing the path to the dream or ideal, and then Delivering the dream.  

            This approach is totally foreign to most.  Whether developing a business course of action or an individual plan for life, we tend to focus on fixing what’s wrong, shoring up perceived weaknesses and dealing with competitive fears.

            Case in point, when doing the typical SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats) exercise with clients, the threats and weaknesses lists tend to be about twice as long.

            I know it can be hard to imagine how you arrive at a solid plan without some consideration of weaknesses or problems.  Appreciative Inquiry isn’t blind to all problems per se; resolved problems are incorporated.  They blend into the fabric of success, for they are worked through along the way, creating processes and methods upon which to build.

            You might be surprised to learn that the outcome of this approach and the traditional one is often the same. That is, in action steps.  What varies greatly is the level of energy and enthusiasm created for the pursuit of the resulting plan. And that has a direct correlation with level of success realized.

           This was the case in working with one of the development departments of the United Nations.  Julian Portilla, director of the masters program and one of the day’s facilitators, shared that the U.N. participants had experienced a very contentious planning process the year prior, and so were reaching out for a better, less distressful way.

            However, it took a bit to move beyond the pain of some of their experiences, such as the genocide in Rwanda. The essence of their work took them to places most of us can’t imagine going. And yet amazing stories emerged, making way for discovering the positive and correlating lessons learned. “Provocative propositions,” Julian said, were the result.

            At the end of the three days, having worked through the Design phase, the 45 participants were surprised when Julian pulled from his pocket the results of the previous year’s planning.  They were almost identical to what had just been decided.  And so he asked, “How do you feel this year?  How did you feel last year? ”

            You know the answers.  Instead of dragging themselves back to work after another draining planning effort, this year they left excited to get started. 

            Imagine the energy.  Linking it to Einstein’s work on relativity, the increased velocity of this mass of 45 people vibrating with increased excitement for the Dream, creates a powerful momentum. And as mentioned in past blogs, there’s nothing like the power of engaged employees to get the desired results.

            This month’s Entrepreneur magazine shares some interesting, and opposing, perspectives on engaging employees in behaviors that have positive outcomes for the business.  The cultural implications couldn’t be more disparate.

            In one article, a Midwestern credit union has banished Facebook and Twitter from the work place, and is about to forbid cell phones on the premises. Seems management’s repeated attempts to get employees to be more focused on the customer and their jobs have failed.

            It was noted that they want to trust their people to do the right thing.   But instead, have concluded “the only way we can let people know we’re serious, and really discipline hard-core offenders, is by instituting a uniform policy banning cell phones.”

            It’s not that I’m opposed to having principles by which everyone operates, but the message that is being sent by this company is just the opposite of what they say they want.  The reasoning behind the rules will breed distrust, and distance employees even more from the company.

            I have observed first hand that managing for the worst case scenario creates a culture that begins to feel like a prison.  James Autry, author of For Love and Profit, has spoken to this issue many times.  Creating policies in like manner of this credit union, is shirking management responsibilities and taking the easy way out.  Autry’s and my advice would be the same: If there are offenders, deal with them, one on one.  Do not treat everyone like an offender.

            A few pages further in the magazine we find an article that might be helpful to this credit union.  It’s titled: “Creating a culture of Excellence.”  Citing examples of what is done by 10 companies that are getting it right, Jennifer Wang says the prevailing theme is that leaders are visible and show they value each employee. And the result: an incredibly high level of trust.  

            It’s conceivable that the examples given in this one article will not be enough to convince the credit union or any company that is of like mind.  So let me recommend a quick read of The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly. 

            It all begins with a janitorial service business that has high turnover, unhappy clients and a decreasing bottom line.  It seems to be a hopeless situation.  But there’s a happy ending, for both the company and the employees.

            The turnaround starts with some simple dialogue. The solutions came as a collaborative effort: Management asked, employees talked, management listened and together they made improvements.

            Going deeper, the management style transformed into one that, like the companies Wang lists, recognizes employees are whole people, with needs, hopes and dreams of their own.  When the work place incorporates avenues for employees to accomplish personal goals along with company goals, it becomes a magical place.

            It’s what we refer to today as engaged employees. And as Towers Watson attest, those companies with highly engaged employees out perform the others significantly.

            At the end of the day, you have to engage the hearts and minds, along with the feet and hands to have a winning work place team.

            In various leadership positions throughout my career, I’ve often thought if I could wave a magic wand I would want to give people confidence.  I had observed that confident people behaved differently. For the most part, they seemed less defensive. 

            Upon further observation, it became clear that confidence was not something that was always experienced holistically.  For example, I’ve coached some folks that are very confident in their abilities to do their job, but not so confident in the value of themselves as individuals. Therefore, defensiveness emerged.

            Then there are those who are so confident that their defensiveness is elevated to arrogance, and takes on the face of bullying, diminishing anyone who questions them.

            Carol S. Dweck addresses these behavior differences more eloquently in her book, mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Rather than speak of them in terms of confidence, she talks about their mindset and how that translates into behavioral styles.

            In examples of what most would consider successful people, she draws lines of distinction by detailing values and coinciding behaviors.  She would no more put John McEnroe in the same athletic ranks with Michael Jordan and Babe Ruth, than she would group Lee Iacocca and Steve Case with CEO greats Jack Welch and Lou Gerstner.

            And here’s why. McEnroe, Iacocca and Case share what Dweck terms a “fixed” mindset, whereas Jordan, Ruth, Welch and Gerstner share a “growth” mindset. The differences are as stark as being billions in the red as opposed to billions in the black.

            Giant egos, airs of superiority and constant parading of their greatness are characteristics of the fixed mindset group.  Abuse and judgment of the underlings, especially the most competent, is routine and required to uphold the self-created royal status of fixed-mindset leaders. Talent, not effort, is supreme.

            McEnroe blamed losses on many things, but never himself.  The responsibility didn’t lie with him, so neither did the fix.  He even blamed his temper tantrums on others for having allowed them.  Jordan and Ruth, in contrast, looked losses in the face and increased efforts to improve their games.        Likewise Iacocca and Case sat atop success with the sole focus of elevating their self-image. All the while, Chrysler and AOL Time Warner danced with disaster.  True to their fixed mindset, both CEOs lost their crowns but not their elitist attitudes.

            With a switch in mindsets, it was human potential, teamwork and growth that drove Welch and Gerstner. Like the spotlighted Undercover CEOs of the current TV program, they went to the ranks and thrived on good communication.

            Turf wars were banned, credit shared and mentoring replaced blame.  The “Royal I” was no where to be found, resulting in wins all around, including nothing less than stellar financial gains for GE and IBM.

            So you see, while confidence is a characteristic linked to leadership, it alone does not guarantee a leadership style that is respected and sustains success.  True leadership, after all, is only sustainable through the engagement and growth of self and others.  Dweck’s book does a great job substantiating this through a collection of detailed examples. 

   Communication is truly an art.  And like a work of art, it can require some interpretation to gain full appreciation of what is being presented and received.

            It is often said to seek first to understand, and then to be understood. That statement is recommending we ensure our understanding of what the other person is saying before we become determined to have them understand us. Unfortunately, an assumption is being made and a step skipped.  The result in many cases is anything but a mutual grasp of meaning.

            The assumption is that we understand ourselves at a very basic level. Recognizing and understanding our emotions, our patterns and what drives our reactions is essential to effective communication.  First, and foremost, we must understand our Self.

            And while most of us think we know ourselves, my experience has shown many don’t. Granted we know ourselves at the conscious level. That’s not all that helpful when most of our behavior, 90 percent, is driven by our subconscious.

            With 80 percent of communication being non-verbal, we may not even realize what signals our subconscious is sending out.  You may realize you are tense, but not know how that’s emerging in your posture, facial expressions and gestures.

            There are a variety of profiles that can help you gain a better understanding of how you interact, and how that is received.  Then you can move onto understanding how our differences interfere, because more often than not, we operate as if everyone sees and thinks the same way we do.  That, too, is a big mistake.