The concept of ego is tossed around quite a bit these days and deserves a bit of exploration. Many current day philosophers and authors present ego as a bad element, being something that interferes with goodness.

These modern day thinkers therefore conclude that the ideal state is one defined by the absence of ego. Ego is often related to self-centeredness and selfishness, both of which also have negative connotations. These states of being are not one in the same and should not be confused.

In order to have a shared exploration, let’s look at how and why one’s ego develops. To gain a good understanding, it will be helpful to return to the day our birth, for that is the beginning of our development in this earthly existence. It will serve us well to reacquaint ourselves with the early years of our journey.

I have previously referenced what happens from day one, the moment we emerge from the womb. We come into this world as clean, little slates, so to speak. Our existence is one without choice about what we see, hear, smell, touch or taste. Without a sophisticated way to communicate, our lives are controlled by our caretakers. In most cases, our parents assume this role.

The extent of our capacity is to respond or react to that which we are exposed. And those reactions are greeted with approval, discouragement, or in some cases, are completely ignored.

It’s important to remember that as we grow in those first years of life, behavioral scientists have calculated that 80 percent of what we experience is negative. There are a lot of “nos,” “don’ts” and “don’ts” with consequences.

We repeatedly hear statements that discourage too much curiosity, exploration and ventures beyond easily monitored and safe surroundings as determined by our parents.

Think about having your thoughts, ideas and sense of fun met with constant road blocks. It continues to happen in adulthood, both among family and friends, as well as at work. New ideas and new paths are most often met with skepticism and comments about all the things that could go wrong.

A natural reaction to such nay saying would be defensiveness. If you believe in your idea or plan, it would seem automatic to make a case for its soundness. Enter in ego, the believer of Self.

Ego begins a transformation into a defensive mechanism to overcome all the negativity we are inundated with in our everyday existence. It begins to serve as a protector of Self. And considering the amount of negativity, it is easy to see how the ego can become overdeveloped.

In the repeated act of countering negativity, an environment of competition and score-keeping is grown. There is an overemphasis and necessity for right vs. wrong, and an either/or perspective. A spirit of one-upmanship manifests, creating a circular pattern, or ongoing domino effect of disapproval and discouragement sparking a defensive posture.

It’s a rather uninviting and miserable scenario. Thus our philosophers make their case for throwing out ego all together without discerning at what level ego is bad. This in turn instills guilt, contributes to the world of negativity, and in essence, becomes part of developing the ego to an extreme.

Perhaps we can easily acknowledge and agree that an overextended ego is not good. That, however, does not translate into the extinction of ego being the pathway to universal nirvana. Swinging the pendulum from one extreme to the next does not get us to an ideal state, but rather a new version of extension, which in this case is an under extension.

In all things, balance is the ideal state. Life is about balance. When everything about our existence is in a state of equilibrium, we are at peace, happy and productive. That includes our ego. It is the balancing of our individual well-being and existence with that of others. There is no need for proving rightness,

Behavior resulting from an attempt to rid oneself of ego often appears as martyrdom, self-sacrifice, a holier-than-thou savior or just the opposite, no self-esteem. At the root of all of these behaviors is little or no self-worth. One no longer values or loves Self.

Equalizing your ego makes you just as important, not more or less, as everyone else. Everyone is of equal value. There is appreciation for one and all, as the connectivity and viral impact between all is clearly seen.

This allows one to take in others’ differing, even negative, perspectives, extract what value they offer and then move on. It’s movement forward not in spite of, but despite others’ thoughts. It allows one to be true to oneself.

Let me end with some words of wisdom from others. They just might help you put your ego in perspective.

“The minute you begin to do what you really want to do, it’s really a different kind of life.” – Buckminster Fuller

“It is up to you to illuminate the world.” – Phillippe Venier

“We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us. – Edward Lewis

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop habits and attitudes for ongoing success and happiness.

Ever been told there are some things you just can’t do because of physical limitations? You know, that you should be realistic because the people that are successful in particular field all have certain physical attributes. Maybe you are too short to be a basketball player, or maybe sports of any sort just aren’t for you because you’re blind.

You can believe such things if you want. I’d rather not. There are some amazing people in this world that show us that we can pretty much do what we set our minds to do, despite the perception of limitations by others.

One of the starters on our high school basketball team was about half the height of the other players. Short, indeed, he was. All the other players literally towered over him. So how the heck could he be a starter?

Instead of seeing his shortness as a hindrance to be overcome, he saw it as advantage to be used. He was quick, and though he couldn’t quite fit through their legs, he could whiz around his opponents, dribbling all the way.
His dribbles were so low that those tall guys became a little awkward when they attempted to steal the ball. With basketball being a team sport, our starter would get the ball to his mates to compete at the higher levels.

Ever heard of Mike May? He was just a typical little boy until a garage explosion left him blind and needing 500 stitches. Nonetheless, he’s seen plenty of victory.

His mother insisted he go to a regular school, when that was not usually allowed. And she let him do anything other boys his age were doing. He rode a bike, and when he crashed it, he asked if he could ride his sister’s. The May garage eventually became home to four mangled bikes.

His mother set aside her protective instincts and told Mike that all kids fall down when trying new things. And so it should come as no surprise to learn that Mike also played flag football, soccer and baseball.
That continues to be the spirit with which Mike chooses to live his life. After Mike set a record in downhill skiing, a reporter asked his mother how she had raised her blind boy. She replied, “What blind boy, I raised my son.”

Mike is also a sky diver, lecturer, guitarist, and was the first blind CIA analyst. There’s more to his story, including how he regained some of his sight. It’s all in his inspirational book titled, Crashing Through.
If we look in earnest, we can probably find an example of someone overcoming just about any physical limitation to achieve what others thought they could not. And while that takes determination when from birth you are without all abilities, it takes a special will to move on when physical capabilities you’ve enjoyed are taken away midlife.

A child prodigy, Leon Fleischer made his public debut on piano at the age of 8 after four years of training. He continued on to have an amazing career until one day he noticed that the fourth and fifth fingers on his right hand were curling up toward his palm. The condition, called focal dystonia, worsened until all the fingers on that hand were curled into his palm. He was 36.

The piano and performing were Fleisher’s life, literally since the time he was a tot. So how could this world renowned pianist continue without the use of one of his hands? Quite simply, he played concertos created for the left hand. And after some years and various treatments he was able to play two-handed again.

Inspiration comes from those who dare to do what others think impossible. They make the rest of us think twice about our excuses and so called limitations. Perhaps they understand what Kierkegaard proclaimed so long ago:

“To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself.”

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success and happiness.

I’ve been on vacation, seeking a different level of balance and some veg time. I read a couple of mysteries, explored some of Canada’s Eastern Townships, and then lessened the activity to increase the quiet and still time.

Filling up days with places and events is often considered a great vacation. And great it is if not for beginning and ending with exhaustion. Its restorative score could be low, as most often vacations are expected to provide a break from schedules and their pressures as experienced in daily routines. A change in place, without pace, doesn’t always leave the residual effect anticipated with a vacation.

And while a change in pace, and not place, may serve up most of the benefits sought, vacations, we should note, are personal, and preferences as such will vary. The key is balance, something we all need and seem to believe is more achievable while on vacation.

Balance can be as elusive as the universal sought after happiness. And there’s a reason: they are intertwined with our state of mind. So while a change in pace or place seem appropriate for creating balance, neither provide a guarantee for a great vacation.

When I think of vacation I’m reminded of the carefree, imaginative and fun-filled days of childhood summers. Playing was the balance I needed then, and now. From creating our Indian village to spending hours throughout the day and evening at the local pool, to climbing a rock face of one of the bluffs overlooking the Mississippi, I was free to explore, create and experience. Our play was simply accepted, with few boundaries. And the appropriate level of silliness was always balanced with equal seriousness.

Self-expression flowed, and laughter came easy and often as we were loving life. With our laughter, we were releasing plenty of those healthy endorphins, which by the way are 10 times more powerful than the pain-relieving drug morphine. And no doubt we were increasing our little hearts’ rate, as in addition to the physical activity, our endless laughter gave it a boost. FYI, just a few minutes of laughter can double your heart rate, according to Dr. William Fry, Jr.

I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: As children we laughed on average 400 times a day; by age 35 we’ve reduced that to 15. So creating a more healthy balance truly does require a bit more play and laughter, in both the mental and physical sense.

For me, there’s nothing more fun than wandering and pondering. Wandering to see and experience new things, like dark chocolate enrobed blueberries we purchased at the Saint-Benoit-du-Lac Abbey. A burst of fresh berry flavor surprised us, because it was truly fresh and truly a burst.

As for pondering, time is given to those things that just don’t make their way into my brainscape during the normal course of a week. Topic matters not because vacation offers a chance to twirl anything and everything around and peer at them from different perspectives. My mental escapades are free to involve matters of the farfetched and otherwise inconceivable.

Play, mental and physical, has been recognized as a key ingredient of well being and happiness for centuries. Aristotle and Plato spoke of such beliefs. On through history, these beliefs have gained merit through the studies of the brain pertaining to the development and education of children, problem solving, creativity, relationships at home and work, as well as team performances.

According to one study, Schaeffer 1993, play is as important to human happiness and well-being as love and work. By nature we are born to play. It’s a source of energy and excitement, stimulating our bodies and brains. At the same time it provides for calmness, relaxation and improved sleep. Vacations that incorporate play are downright therapeutic.

It has been said that you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. I suspect the same is true in exploration of our selves. I’ve not happened upon too many down sides to play, other than the occasional skinned knee.

So with a hop and a skip, unleash yourself. Get in the spirit, stay in the spirit, be the spirit needed to jump into a fun-filled vacation. Giggle and laugh as if you’ve never grown up. Let vacation be like skinny dipping, where without hesitation you leap in. No clothes, no second thoughts are necessary as you understand life is not a dress rehearsal. Allow yourself to recapture the carefree feelings and well-being of childhood.

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success and happiness.

Last week I wrote about how insightful nighttime dreams can be, and it got me to thinking about the benefits of daydreams. The fact is, dreaming is part of everything I do with clients, whether planning for business or life.

But you know, I’ve found we’re not very good at it. Somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, dreaming is given less and less time to the point of not even being considered a valid use of our attention. Frivolous, going no where, waste of time, not possible… you name it, dreaming gets tossed into a mental circular with one of these tags.

Sometimes, for those who are lucky, life proves us wrong. One day, a client was excited to share with me that she was going to a ball in Paris. She said she had always dreamed of doing so. A frequent international traveler, speaker and author, it didn’t seem out of the realm of possibility.

However, when I asked her if going to a Paris ball appeared on her Dream Inventory, she said no, looking a bit puzzled. She added, I didn’t think it would ever happen. Then she realized that she, like so many others, without thinking had been qualifying and limiting her dreams.

Other times, for those who dare to dream and believe, they prove life wrong. Concerted efforts are great at producing a twist of fates. In a business where it is said “most don’t make it the list of actors and actresses that dared to dream is extensive. Johnny Depp, Sandra Bullock and Courtney Cox among others have shared their propensity to dream and its impact on drive and achievement.

Canada’s Globe and Mail newspaper celebrates the Top 40 under 40, business people who realize their dreams in the first three decades of life. Among the winners’ reasoning for success, you will find reference to dreams.

William Andrew of Ontario says he dares to dream; Rob Dynan says “anything is possible”; and Olga Kovalchuk says to “think positive, dream big.”

The strength of belief was most evident in comments by David Henderson, a 37-year-old also from Ontario: “I believe success involves waking up everyday to relentlessly, rigorously and passionately pursue your dreams of a better world.”

There are so many testimonials that dreaming is part of the formula for success and happiness. Whether a rags to riches story, or a conquering of physical disabilities, or an “I’ll show them” attitude in response to put downs and negative feedback, there seems to be endless proof that dreaming and believing are first steps in great achievements.

Still it is not a practice or belief of the majority. Most want to believe, but somehow never grasp it in an intentional way. I suppose they are more inclined to grip on to an age-old obstacle, that being fear.

Yanni would agree. When releasing his eighth album, titled “Dare to Dream,” back in the ‘90s he said it came “from a realization that not only don’t people go after their dreams, they often are afraid to dream at all.”

Life comes with no guarantee, not an external one anyway. Within, each one of us has access to the only guarantee we need, belief in self and our dreams. A high school entrepreneur, having launched several start-ups and making her first million by graduation, cited belief in self, including one’s dreams, as the No. 1 ingredient for success.

The net is rich with stories and advice on dreaming and achieving. With a few clicks you can immerse yourself in inspiration and all you need to get on with dreaming. As a bit of encouragement, I’ll leave you with a short poem by Julie Anne Ford:

Dare to dream

Simply said, it’s the straightforward truth. So, dare to dream and tap into life’s guarantee.

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success.

Our patriotic fervor is most widely celebrated on Independence Day, as evidenced by the parades, speeches, picnics, music and fireworks. These illuminating events are celebrated as a nation, as the land of the free safeguard’s each and every person’s independence, as they themselves so define it.

The original text, tucked in the memories of most, reads:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident,
That all men are created equal,
That they are endowed by the Creator of certain undeniable rights,
That among them are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Since the initial battle against the British monarchy, we have, with love of country, fought the visible foes of individual freedom. Many, however, fail to conquer the silent enemy.

Freedom speaks to the values and aspirations that are unique to each of us. At the heart of this undeniable right is the liberation of the spirit and soul of self. That’s an internal battle that can only be won by oneself.

We hold dear the freedom to choose, and yet we so often forfeit it, going along with external pressures, popular trends and thoughtless autopilot. I’ve known those who went through with a wedding for fear of what others would think if they canceled it; those who took a job they didn’t want so as not to disappoint someone who helped them get an interview; those who pursued careers to win approval from parents; and those who went along with unethical or illegal actions in order to stay employed.

There are many, many more examples. You can easily come up with some of your own. We could be judgmental, but if we’re honest we’ve all been there at one time or another. And so when someone steps forth and challenges a block to their individual rights, we observe with interest. And in the case of victory, we are collectively uplifted and inspired.

The challenges are ongoing, as is the case with the women of Swaziland who just this year one the right to have land, bonds and other property registered in their names. Interracial marriages were not legally sanctioned until 1967, and in 1994 a woman had to appeal for the right to hang an anti-war sign in her bedroom window. One just need check a list of ACLU victories to get an idea of the broad range of rights that at one time didn’t exist. And most came to be because one person, one individual felt hindered in their ability to live and be as they chose.

There is nothing like the energy and elation that comes from a personal win, especially one that escapes the trappings of ideas and opinions indoctrinated by one’s family, culture, society or workplace. Moving beyond persisting patterns of perception, a sense of obligation, a need for others’ approval, we find every moment is filled with an opportunity for personal choice and well-being.

Our forefathers intended liberty to go beyond the physical shackles, to those of the heart, mind and soul. I believe they understood that would lead to a harmony with self, and in turn would extend into the world. With harmony come greater levels of joy, health and prosperity.

In any field, those who are most memorable pursued life in their own way, often moving against some trend or popular belief. Or as Robert Frost expressed, they “took the road less traveled.”

Free to be how ever you choose isn’t necessarily about being different, rather it is simply about being authentically you. Take heart and yourself seriously, even if others don’t. Don’t worry about convincing, proving or showing others what is right for you. Just smile and be you. It’s your undeniable right.

And while these rights may not extend to rats, there’s a cute little guy of movie fame that couldn’t help but be himself. Remy, the lead in Ratatouille, leaves the French countryside to travel to Paris in hopes of becoming a chef. And despite his family’s doubts and the rat-hating humans, he becomes a culinary wonder.

Of course it’s just a story, not real. The real stuff happens when you choose that it should. And there are many that have chosen so, and their stories are real. You can start with some of our forefathers, and work yourself forward in time, until you, too, are included.

Anita Ancel is President of Ancelary Group, a Vermont firm that helps executives and their teams develop attitudes and habits for ongoing success.

Last week I wrote about how leadership development is part of the Israel curriculum via mandatory service in their non-hierarchical military. And that has in turn created a culture of success where everyone is expected to be a leader, as described in Start Up Nation by Dan Senor and Saul Singer.

It’s not uncommon when we hear about a success elsewhere to reason why it wouldn’t be a good fit for our situation. So forgive me for repeating myself, I believe it is just the right fit for corporate America. Expecting everyone to be a leader has been my belief for as long as I can remember.

Tom Peters and others often referred to this as employee empowerment. Examples often involved the freedom to handle customer service issues without having to check in at various levels in the chain of command. Israel shows that true empowerment involves all decisions and every employee.

Rather than just spew hot air, I thought it would be appropriate to share an example of how I have practiced this belief. It was the mid 90s and I had just garnered the position of being publisher of a small Midwest newspaper. However I was soon to learn there was a catch.

Seems the paper was bleeding money; the bottom line was dropping out of sight. My job was to do emergency surgery and amputate some human appendages. I was handed a list of names of the people to cut. Thoughts of career advancement soon became visions of another job from hell.

I accepted the job, and at the same time objected. In so doing I somehow convinced the boss to give me some time before demanding staff eliminations. And so, as is the case in fairytales, this story ends with everyone living happily ever after.

The staff was terrific and just wanted to be unleashed. We did leadership and team training across disciplines, often in the form of games. We practiced transparency; the books were open for all to see the details. And everyone literally signed off on being responsible for their own and the team’s success.

We painted our commitment on the wall. Surrounded by our colorful handprints and signatures was the statement: We stand apart as individuals. We come together in a common purpose. It’s a statement that implies the value and responsibility of each member of the team. And that was key.

We had different roles but did not practice different status. The same level of commitment, responsibility and leadership was expected from the janitor as from a department head. It served us well.

One Saturday night the driver, who transported our papers from the off site printing facility, checked the paper for quality before loading. He discovered that the previous day’s sports section had been printed and included again.

He, of course, spoke to the press foreman on duty, who in so many words said “tough.” Remember, we were a small paper. Needless to say this operation did not share a culture similar to ours. So here was Saturday’s press run with Friday’s sports pages. Anyone who’s worked in customer service knows this kind of error is remembered for decades.

Not to worry. True leaders don’t give up easily and neither did our driver. When the printers did not recognize him as a leader, he called me, knowing that I did and would welcome his call at 3 a.m. Sad to say, the title of publisher was all it took for our printers to decide they needed to crank up the press again.

This driver was also the mastermind behind several successful revenue ideas. He, along with all the others, led the way to success. The bottom line was proof that everyone being a leader works. In that first year the newspaper made more money than at any other time. No one was cut from the staff.

From there, we went onto to help our down trodden community realize new possibilities. We extended our ideas of leadership beyond our walls.

It was challenging, fun and rewarding for everyone. And, like in Israel, it was successful. The principles behind why it works are really quite simple. Everyone, individually, wants to be successful, and at the same time be part of a winning team. It’s that combo of personal and organizational goals that is so motivating.

So I encourage you to give it a try. Lead on, shoulder to shoulder, with everyone in your organization.

            Balancing business with having a fulfilling life, for most, coincides with the ever present goal for happiness. And while some may claim to be content, that is not the same as happy.

Success in business or career minus holistic fulfillment is what I call life failure.  I mention this because while I was trying a bit of balance myself, I happened upon some tips for making the life journey more joyful, and successful.

I took a break to read for awhile Saturday.  My husband was playing his guitar and singing one of my favorite songs, Sounds of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. I paused to listen – People talking without speaking; People hearing without listening – and in so doing realized that it fit perfectly within the context of what I was reading.

            On the surface, no connections were evident.  I was perusing the 10^th anniversary edition of Oprah’s “O” magazine and also spent some time with a pamphlet entitled Teaching Children Compassionately by Marshall B. Rosenberg.  Then magically the synapses of my subconscious began connecting and the common themes emerged.           

Oprah’s magazine is filled with insights, inspirations and wisdom from people who had an impact for her in the last decade. Rosenberg’s work is about non-judgmental communication, and how it makes way for awe-inspiring learning and living.

            Their shared themes, eloquently stated by Rosenberg and powerfully demonstrated by Oprah, are: learning is best fueled by a reverence for life, all life; and continually be conscious of the beauty within yourself and others.

            This may seem a bit far afield and soft for some, but who can argue with Oprah’s success. So let’s explore these themes as they pertain to Oprah and her business empire. I’ll revisit Rosenberg’s work at a later time.

            The essence of these themes involves organic connection… with life, with self and with others. It is what Oprah banks on every month when almost 2 million women buy her magazine, 37 percent of whom also have observed the men in their lives leafing through it.  Isn’t that what we all want…   business and personal relationships that grow on what is true and real? 

            Oprah’s organic connections go beyond good marketing. They are personal, genuine and deep. She puts herself out there on the cover, big as life, month after month.  Always a glamour shot, she radiates all that is the good life and success. Inside she sheds the glitz and opens her heart and mind as if a best friend.

            The issue about her ongoing weight loss struggles attracted the most response from readers and the media.  She was so transparent, it was impossible to not relate to her. (Hopefully all have figured out that weight loss is often about an imbalance in life or other issues, and not just about diet and exercise.)  Oprah ventures to where we all live, ever exploring the path to what she calls “the best life.”

            She stands front and center as proof that success is not the be-all of life, but only a piece of the journey. Every month “O” magazine speaks to a reverence for life, ongoing learning and an appreciation of the beauty in all us.

In celebration of  “O’s” anniversary and life itself,  here’s a few tidbits shared by a couple of the magazine’s popular columnists.

Martha Beck shares that sometimes it useful to unlearn some lessons, such as:  Working hard leads to success; Success is the opposite of failure; Problems are bad; and, We should think rationally about our decisions.

          Wisdom from Dr. Oz included: Change is possible, but only if you believe it; We regret the actions we don’t take more than the ones we do; and It’s not about living longer, it’s about living better.

            There’s plenty of explanation and more tidbits to be found in the magazine.  If you are so inclined, check it out.  Either way, join the celebration by nurturing an organic relationship, at work or home.  And enjoy the difference.